Guilt in your eyes
by Merci
Summary: Katsu x Sanosuke - A shounen ai version of the first time Sano found Katsu since the revolution. Angst.


**Warnings:  Angst, Yaoi(nothing explicit).  If you are homophobic, then please don't read.  Simple!__**

This is a bit of a song fic.  It hit me when I was listening to Stabbing Westward (Waking up Beside you), and I had been wanting to write something with Katsushiro in it (just because I can't find more than 5 fics about him) so here it is!  Sorry it's all angsty, thats just the way it turned out!  (If anyone can direct me to some happy Katsu stuff, I would really like it!)

I don't own the characters, and I don't own the song.  They belong to their respective owners.

_song lyrics - Waking up Beside you by Stabbing Westward_

regular type.  I wrote the story in this type setting!  Yay!

**Guilt in your eyes__**

_I've been so alone for so long  
forgotten by the world, forgotten to myself  
your effervescent eyes have awakened me  
and brushed the dust away...  
but I knew you'd never stay.  
so I memorized the color of your eyes  
as I lost myself inside you._

I never thought that we would see eachother again.  I thought I was the only one who survived.  Every day since the massacre, my life had been one never ending funeral procession.  Blacks and whites flashing by, all muted from my ears.  I would lock myself away and hope that everyone would just forget about me.  Then he showed up in my life, and suddenly everything changed.

Sanosuke.  The boy who had been my closest and dearest friend throughout my childhood was standing in my doorway, smiling.  My heart skipped a beat when I realized that it really was him standing there.  He had found me!  I invited him in, sat him down and we talked for the first time in ten years.  He managed to bring a smile to my lips, something I hadn't done in ages.  We stayed up late into the night drinking sake, talking about some of the mischief we got into when we were younger.  I told him how much I had missed him, and I invited him to stay the night, but he politely refused.  I saw something in his eyes then as he said goodbye, but I didn't know what it was.   I gazed into those dark depths trying to figure out what it was, but he broke the gaze.  I thought I saw guilt etched across his features, but he left before I could say anything.  I realized with sadness that things would never be the same.

_I memorized the way our legs entwined as I drifted off beside you.  
__I miss, God I miss waking up beside you...  
__at night I cling to you, I'm so afraid  
__afraid the day will come  
__and i'll wake up and find you gone  
__but you promise that you'd not abandon me  
__and kissed my fears away...  
__but I woke up to that day..._

Back when we were younger, still idolizing Captain Sagara, we were always together.  At night we slept by eachothers side.  Often cuddling for warmth or out of fear of monsters as most children would at that age.  

Sometimes I would have nightmares that you would die in one of the neverending battles that we would have.  I would wake from fitful dreams of you lying dead on the ground at my feet, leaving me alone in this world.  I would look over at your sleeping figure, and know that you were still alive.  I told you of my dreams and you suggested that we promise eachother that we would never die.  A childish promise, I know.  But the act in itself seemed to make us feel better.  You nearly broke that promise when you were nearly shot to death.  I didn't think, I pushed you out of the way without even thinking about what would happen to me when that gun fired.  All that mattered to me, was you...

When I thought you were dead, everything stopped for me.  First I hated you for leaving me, for breaking our promise to always be there.  Then I mourned the loss of our dear Captain Sagara and my best friend, whom I loved so dearly.  Bitterness consumed my soul every waking moment.

_but I had memorized the way our eyes would meet  
__reflected in the bathroom mirror  
__and I memorized your naked silhouette  
>__as you slowly brushed your hair...  
__I miss, God, I miss waking up beside you..._

Thoughts of you swam through my mind every day since then. I missed having you in my life.  I would sometimes live in a dreamworld where you were still alive.  We would still cuddle at night, keeping eachother warm from the chill night air.  You would whisper to me that you love me, and I would murmur the same before our lips would meet.  I would draw upon the memories of the depths of your eyes, the way you would tie that red bandana around your head in the morning and imagine that you were still here, doing the same things years later.  Living with me in my tiny apartment.  But it was just a dream, and I would always wake up and weep when I realized that you were never there.

_I've been alone for so long...  
__I forgot how much it hurts to wake up so alone,  
__but I'd memorized how warm your body felt  
__as you lay half asleep beside me.  
__and I memorized the way the sunlight filled the room  
__and played upon your body  
__I miss.  God, I miss waking up beside you_

That day you returned to me was the day that my life became whole, and then smashed into a million pieces all over again.  All my dreams of us being together again were broken apart.  There is always something holding you back, a sorrowful gult in your eyes whenever you tell me what I mean to you.  Everytime we are together I try to remember everything about you, because I never know when it will be our last.  The shadows playing upon your face, the mischevious glint in your eyes after you say something smart are engraved into my minds eye.

I think you might have felt the same thing for me, that I did for you.  I feel you pull back every time you get too close, always with that glimer of guilt hiding in your eyes.  You haven't told me aloud, but I know what it is.  I felt his violet eyes watch us the first time we met.  He was telling me that he loves you, and that he'll never let you go.  And I know that no matter how hard I try, the years have been too long and I will never, ever again wake up beside you.

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Sorry for the last line, it just went too well with the thing even though it's the title of the song!

Remember folks, my back is hungry, I would really appreciate it if you would feed it!  ^_^


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